so, within like the last hour or two I've been hit with the most random romantic mood and I have absolutely no idea why or even where it came from.
so, most people know about the break with James, but for those who don't already...it was a completely mutual decision and it was only made after I'd reassured him multiple times that I was indeed moving to Brenham this summer. We parted and remain such and though there was a bit of drama and confusion as of late it has since been dealt with and I'm pretty damn sure everything is in good shape again.
but as for that romantic mood, it has a reminiscent air to it, but that's not all that it's about. I keep thinking about times we hung out and just sat around doing nothing or shit like that( really, I swear I'm content about this and not depressed, though I was initially upset because though I understood and agreed I wanted to fight for it, as I do anything that makes me happy) and things that we'd planned or just how I wish somethings had happed. As for the way things should have happened, that's referring to things that didn't work out because they were constantly cancelled because of failed transportation or lack of money or both, lol and a feeling of distance as he worried over all of it and I struggled to find gas money.
All of February I've just had this feeling of longing for January. I mean, February is always my worst moneth, I mean it's as though it sincerely hates me, really. But it's not that I want to relive the month, or even experience everything the same way, but I want that feeling of contentedness, even happiness that pervaded the whole month and just made me feel warm inside. I mean, I sit here thinking this and remembering curling up with someone who makes me sincerely happy and falling asleep watching a movie and I can think of absolutely no better way to spend a night than that, even considering all the random activities that bring me endless joy, lol. I miss being able to just call or text him to talk because if nothing else we could/would fall back on the question game, but now it's as though I have to have a purpose or reason to call him, which I really don't have besides telling him about Friday plans with the group, which he could just as easily get from Regan because apparently they're talking alot which actually makes me incredibly nervous. Regan is beautiful, naive and maybe a tad young for him, but beautiful none the less. I'll admit I'm jealous of that, and of the attention she gets from him, though I don't believe any of it is romantic, I believe he's just looking for someone to talk to who'd considerably more local than I am, heh.
But yeah, I'm sitting here and just getting the random feeling of being hugged or held close and those warm happy feelings that everyone links with such a sensation and I want it all back, but I'm happy to simply enjoy this feeling for now, even though I know nothing is acutally being done to cause it.
Obviously I'm counting down to the end of school and then July when it looks like Rachel and I will finally move to Brenham. I'm so excited about it all but also so incredibly anxious. I mean, I've waited all this time to get away from here and now that it's finally in reach I've just sort of stopped everything. I'm not showing up to school like I should, I"m not getting my work done and I'm wondering exactly what I'm doing to myself now. Everything is in reach, so why am I constantly sabotaging myself? I mean, I can't have any of the things I want until I get out of here and into Brenahm; whether what I want is James, my freedom, my dog, a decent job, or a real education, it can't be found here and that which can be I cannot have.
So, I went on a favoriting spree today and it made me sad and happy and a little warm inside and yeah, lol, it all ties together...

ok, I"m gonna leave all 3 of my viewers at this and let it go for the night. Thank you for letting me rant, thank you again if you actually read it and yeah, I'm feeling alot better now so I leave you with the usual.

smile.
love.
whatever makes you smile at night.(not like that!)
~m